CHOOSE for LIFE

Post Abortion Grief and Loss

By Aida Cooper

          “Some women feel betrayed by the Pro Choice movement, when the particular circles in which they move fail to support her grief or may even feel threatened by the notion that a woman experiences agony over the choice of an abortion. Similarly, women feel betrayed by the Pro Life movement, when a particular group will berate them for having an abortion in the first place, rather than extending a helping hand and a listening ear.," writes Sylvia Cochran in her article, Coping with Grief, Loss By Choice…Abortion.

In my research on post abortion grief, I discovered what I had also noticed in my personal life among my women friends. Women friends and those in my research who have made the choice to abort a pregnancy no matter the reason that led up to that choice, experience deeply painful feelings about their loss. To sum it up it is a painfully lonely place of grief.

 It doesn’t matter the socio economic status, personal backgrounds, educational level, or personal self esteem of the woman, the have one thing in common in regard to their post abortion grief, it appears to be the constant pain that tears at their hearts. Although many of these women I read about and spoke to have moved on to marry and have children and happy lives, the grief they feel over their abortions leaves them with what they all seem to describe in different words like, hollow, empty, barren of true joy, and numb to life in many ways. They describe an alone grief. A grief these women bear that they feel they cannot share and that many have never shared with those closest to them. The difficult lies in the shame of having gotten pregnant outside of marriage, or simply not feeling they were ready to be a mother, or being coerced by their partner or other influential people like parents, or friends. Most felt keeping their pregnancy would be a fearful and bad choice for them. They felt abortion would be the better choice for themselves and others involved. In addition however;  many stated, they didn’t feel they had enough knowledge about the choice they were making especially about the loss and grief they would experience post abortion. For a few, the initial response is one of relief, although in my research most come to a painful realization that they may have made a different choice because of deep sense of grief and loss they felt post abortion immediately after, months after and years after their choice.

Unlike losing a child due to a miscarriage, like I personally have experienced, or losing a child to still birth, SIDS, a disease or any other uncontrollable traumatic event in which people gather around the one or ones affected, loss and grief due to post abortion is not validated and comforted in the same way. Post abortion loss is often times experienced by the woman alone. Since in many cases no one else knows of the decision she has made to abort a pregnancy. My one friend who I will name Susan for confidentiality purposes, states she never talked about her abortion with anyone. She was 17 yrs old when she made the choice to end her pregnancy. She never even told the young man who was the father. She felt she couldn’t share that she was pregnant with anyone due to the shame she put on herself for believing she had made a choice for sexual sin which was against her upbringing and sex before marriage. She didn’t feel her family would accept her anymore. She also feared she would shame them in the community and religious circles in which they were involved. For the first 6 months after her abortion, she states she felt numb. She didn’t care about anything especially herself. She explained she knew God but was not completely surrendered to God because she felt so far from him and unable to receive forgiveness. This was a private pain she carried with her all of her life. When she finally began to feel grief over the loss she was confused about it. She didn’t know where it came from or exactly how to deal with it. She states she began to self medicate her pain with food since the pain she felt originated out of her stomach area, food seemed to soothe her upset stomach. She is now 50 yrs. old and has lived a life of over eating and being over weight for 30 yrs. due to what she links as her self medicating over her abortion. Although she married and has three more children, she never stopped grieving her choice to abort. It was only in the last five yrs when her oldest son was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident that my friend, Susan reached out for help and was finally able to share the grief she had over her abortion. She attended a Catholic retreat for loss and grief and in that small intimate circle of women, the door was opened through the counselor to share all kinds of Grief and Loss including any grief regarding abortion. She states that weekend helped her to bring closure to her grief with her abortion, which was long overdue. Being able to talk about in a safe environment without judgment and total acceptance was a huge part of the healing for her. She states she was able to visualize God’s forgiveness for having chosen abortion so long ago. And that in her visualizing exercise, God was holding her baby in a beautiful field of flowers allowing her to see that God still loved her and that she would see her baby one day along with the 19 yr. old son who died in that tragic motorcycle accident. She states her pain level from her grief went from a 7 to a 2 in that one weekend. However; she is still unable to discuss her post abortion grief openly due to remnants of pain that still lingers over her choice, which is very different than the grief she can openly discuss over the loss of her 19 yr. old son. Clearly there are distinctions to how women feel one loss being more acceptable to share socially and another to keep disclosed.

Due to the controversies and distinctions of beliefs on this abortion topic of life and death, especially life and death of a child with Pro Choice and Pro Life movements, it has become a topic which women are increasingly more afraid and ashamed to bring up. There appears to be no neutral ground. There are either those who are Pro Choice, who would violate their consciences and platforms by admitting to death of a child by abortion and so minimize or disregard the emotional pain women experience post abortion. Pro Choice movements believe that a women’s right to choose is the only value of importance in their Pro Choice movement. They are unwilling to look at the research documented by professionals regarding post abortion grief and the life long emotional effects that this right to choose makes on the woman who have made this choice or will make this choice. They refuse to discover for themselves that this choice is anything but right. Among the Pro Life movements, women have reported experiencing shame when admitting their choice to abort their pregnancies. In my circle of friends, woman who have now found faith in God as devoted Christians confirm this judgment and shame to be true in their experiences. Those brave women, who have shared their stories and desire to heal have received judgment for their choice to abort earlier and have not been directed towards finding forgiveness and healing for their grief. In addition to Pro Life movement organizations, many have also tried to find help, a listening ear and healing for themselves among faith movements with little available on this particular subject to help them sort through the grief. Due to unavailable help, and the shame of not being able to share their stories of brokenness many women feel it takes a toll on every area of their lives with feelings of self doubt, self loathing, self hatred, intense shame, grief and even chronic depression and anger. Many women self medicate these feelings of grief for a lifetime with prescription drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol as well as addictions to food, shopping and any other number of documented addictions. Women with post abortion grief suffer silently. Women have had to learn to stuff their emotions of grief and sadness from their post abortion grief to get on with life as usual. This has created an epidemic of confusion in women regarding their feelings about themselves and life. Many women have reported to me that they felt they were going crazy or losing their minds.  They expressed they should be happy in life. They have careers they love, are happily married, have beautiful children and yet cannot kick this feeling of constant ache inside them. Some women have been misdiagnosed with mental disorders and others have formulated their own conclusions about being bipolar, or dealing with depression all their lives. Others report being angry all the time and not knowing exactly why. Even to their children and spouses. Eventually, when these feelings are left pushed for too long, they surface like a volcano eruption. Bringing with this gushing volcano a lava of emotions that come out devouring and destroying so much of their lives, unfortunately for some women only after self inflicted pain to themselves, their careers and/or their families. I know some of these women personally. I have also discovered in my research they are not isolated cases.

Over all, although not all women will on the surface show emotional concerns, some will appear to move on successfully in the lives, although they have buried their feelings so deep, they do not know why they feel empty inside. The loss is real but their “right” to grieve appears not to be. 

Few women, in my circle of friends have found the support they needed towards real healing in regard to their grief. It is not to say that there are no women who have successfully navigated towards positive resolve in regard to their post abortion grief. The importance of this research is to recognize and make ourselves and others aware of the essential need to offer care, compassion, and support to those who are suffering with post abortion grief and loss. We must validate the grief women experience post abortion and support the process of healing necessary in their lives without judgment.

As a devoted Christian woman myself, I have found few resources in my own research for women to walk safely through this process towards personal healing in regard to their grief with post abortion. Upon listening to these women and reading their emails, some anonymously connected to me through other women due to my desire to research this topic, my heart has been heavy with the burden of their grief, loss and silence. I have been inspired and moved by the strength and courage of many women who have had the faith to work through this grief alone. Some women have never shared their stories with anyone but a few close friends. And a few have used much discretion and caution in sharing their stories with me.  All share a common thread. This thread is sewn in the fabric of these women’s lives that more needs to be done for women to find healing for their post abortion grief. 

I believe, the Faith circles have much to bring to the table towards helping women if we make a concerted effort to discuss the subject openly, without judgment and with great compassion. Having been on the inside of Church administration and leadership, I have found this topic is most often avoided. The usual case for avoidance is so that none are offended. I would make a case that spotlighting it openly and making resources available for women would be the first step towards not offending. 

Having served as a Youth Pastor for close to 15 years, I heard the sad and brokenhearted after stories of many young ladies; high school and college age, who had made a choice to end their pregnancies. Never did I hear their pride or joy in having done so. On the contrary, they felt they had no choice. Yet, we have two movements: one spells out choice and the other life. I am of the personal belief that in my Churches if we had created an atmosphere for young women in our Church to share about their unplanned pregnancy, highlighting the Church as the place of “SANCTUARY” as of old, where they could come, stay and find all resources and emotional support they needed, many would of chosen to not abort. I strongly believe they would of decided to keep their child or to give it up for adoption. In either case, women would feel empowered to truly CHOOSE for LIFE.

I am confident of this, that when women feel safe enough to share their post abortion stories having worked through their grief safely, they will be the greatest grief healers of other women facing the same loss. These same women will be the most convincing voices and advocates for life for women and the unborn.