My Outer Child....An honest poem about self protection.

Penniless in Belgium, 2006

My Outer Child

Throwing a book will get you no where!
Locking yourself in a small room makes you seethe with more rage
The law men tell you, they can't help you
The God men tell you its all your fault
Missiles you've planted to kill didn't go off
Except for in your own pocket book
Explosive torpedos of terms shouted across darkened rooms
Were flipped on you
So now you're crazy
Now you're dumb
Now you're loaded with buckets of slime
And not worth a crumb.
You're the ugly one
The self centered scarred, with warts and all
The witch exchanging the w for a b
Aren't you age six?
A doll called Chuckie that comes to life with only wickedness and strife
And all run from that kind of doll
All leave the horror displayed
When fear and demons come to live inside that battle bloodied ripped to shreds plastic heart
You've spoiled and rotten
Beating your arms and legs on the ground
Temper tantrums the weapon that sets off
Like an alarm at noon when the heart is hungry
The cup is empty
no one fills it up
You enjoy playing the role of victim
And martyr
talks behind your friends backs
And you are a drama queen a real work of art!
You're never to blame
And always broke
And your drug of choice is barfing out your guts
You're messy and so hard to clean up
You shit on everything
And are never wrong
You are always fashionably late
But we should view you as worth the entrance
Of a diamond that blinds every man's heart
Making them tyrants
Afraid to leave your arms
Grasping as if to lose a most prized gem
Like titanics blue heart
You're a manipulator a critisizer
A phony a pretender
A con
You act on your own instead of consulting an adult
You run fast, you train a lot

Escape
Is your middle name

You will FIGHTor FLIGHT!

And ANGER and FEAR chose it for you, Darling
While in your papi's heart

You're seductive, yet funny, charming and so full of life
But when caught in your web, you're as cold as ice
Unloving even the feast in your bed at night
You're sick like an addict, and breaks everyones hearts
It doesn't matter the rules
Cuz you're the rebel
With a cause
You ignore, and do what you want
Independence is your goal
Intimacy is a spell you won't explore
You conquer dangerously
You reject, hoard, distance and remove
You resist, attract wrong
Refuse to learn from your wrongs
And oh, you can be so holier than thou!
You're such a liar!
And I believe you...
You won't stand still
I can't catch you
And how I've tried
Slow down
Chill out
All this outer childish acts
Is to protect that innocent heart
But it kills all those who love you
And its kills me
The little, broken, scared child you fight so hard to keep alive.

Only CHRIST; ONLY CALVARY'S CROSS and a Father's loving sacrificial arms can heal that little fearful, wounded precious heart.

-Aida Cooper

1/22/11

A Greater Love -Poem

A Greater Love

by Aida Cooper

I have come to see that I didn’t need you to hold me
on your knee

I didn’t need to be your sunshine or the apple of your eye

You didn’t need to shelter me from the cold or
calm my raging seas

You didn’t need to take me through the school of life
or teach me my ABC’s

In all my lonely moments, in my deep despair
I didn’t need you there

You didn’t need to light my path or cheer me on to succeed

I didn’t need your kisses and hugs or presents under the tree

I didn’t need you to hold me tight after falling to my knees

I didn’t need you to splendor upon me on my wedding day
or look at my sweet child in its cradle where it lay

I didn’t need you to share in every joy I ever had

In everyway,
it doesn’t matter that you didn’t care

Because Jesus was always there

Jesus adopted me and in Him I am born again

Like a lamb without a shepherd
he looked for me and found me

His love has surrounded me every single breathing day

He has given me a new name and I am royalty

I can see clearly now that everyday
you chose not to be with me

Jesus loved me lavishly and cared for me

And everyday
I will get down on my knees and pray

You’ll walk in Jesus’ way

His love can set men free

And in God’s glory I pray you’ll be with me

So you’ll see how much you were loved by my Father and m

~For my Father Gustavo Barreiro

 November 19, 1998
I never saw my father again after my 1st Birthday in 1969. At the time this poem was written I knew nothing of my father nor did I think I would ever know anything regarding his life or would I ever see him again.

In Winter 2006, I came face to face with my father again in Mexico, he didn't know who I was then.
But I knew who he was...it was a day of which I had to extend great compassion and forgiveness....
I met him in Summer 2007 for the first time in my life when I returned to Merida, Yucatan, Mexico during a difficult time in my marriage....for some much needed soul searching

and

self discovery of my heritage

and

healing from the wounds of my personal past.

I have never been the same again.
GOD met me there supernaturally...GOD used my biological father to speak to me...
POWERFULLY, LOVINGLY, and MIRACULOUSLY.

I am FREE now!

  My father with me in Los Angeles, CA -1968

                             

CHOOSE for LIFE

Post Abortion Grief and Loss

By Aida Cooper

          “Some women feel betrayed by the Pro Choice movement, when the particular circles in which they move fail to support her grief or may even feel threatened by the notion that a woman experiences agony over the choice of an abortion. Similarly, women feel betrayed by the Pro Life movement, when a particular group will berate them for having an abortion in the first place, rather than extending a helping hand and a listening ear.," writes Sylvia Cochran in her article, Coping with Grief, Loss By Choice…Abortion.

In my research on post abortion grief, I discovered what I had also noticed in my personal life among my women friends. Women friends and those in my research who have made the choice to abort a pregnancy no matter the reason that led up to that choice, experience deeply painful feelings about their loss. To sum it up it is a painfully lonely place of grief.

 It doesn’t matter the socio economic status, personal backgrounds, educational level, or personal self esteem of the woman, the have one thing in common in regard to their post abortion grief, it appears to be the constant pain that tears at their hearts. Although many of these women I read about and spoke to have moved on to marry and have children and happy lives, the grief they feel over their abortions leaves them with what they all seem to describe in different words like, hollow, empty, barren of true joy, and numb to life in many ways. They describe an alone grief. A grief these women bear that they feel they cannot share and that many have never shared with those closest to them. The difficult lies in the shame of having gotten pregnant outside of marriage, or simply not feeling they were ready to be a mother, or being coerced by their partner or other influential people like parents, or friends. Most felt keeping their pregnancy would be a fearful and bad choice for them. They felt abortion would be the better choice for themselves and others involved. In addition however;  many stated, they didn’t feel they had enough knowledge about the choice they were making especially about the loss and grief they would experience post abortion. For a few, the initial response is one of relief, although in my research most come to a painful realization that they may have made a different choice because of deep sense of grief and loss they felt post abortion immediately after, months after and years after their choice.

Unlike losing a child due to a miscarriage, like I personally have experienced, or losing a child to still birth, SIDS, a disease or any other uncontrollable traumatic event in which people gather around the one or ones affected, loss and grief due to post abortion is not validated and comforted in the same way. Post abortion loss is often times experienced by the woman alone. Since in many cases no one else knows of the decision she has made to abort a pregnancy. My one friend who I will name Susan for confidentiality purposes, states she never talked about her abortion with anyone. She was 17 yrs old when she made the choice to end her pregnancy. She never even told the young man who was the father. She felt she couldn’t share that she was pregnant with anyone due to the shame she put on herself for believing she had made a choice for sexual sin which was against her upbringing and sex before marriage. She didn’t feel her family would accept her anymore. She also feared she would shame them in the community and religious circles in which they were involved. For the first 6 months after her abortion, she states she felt numb. She didn’t care about anything especially herself. She explained she knew God but was not completely surrendered to God because she felt so far from him and unable to receive forgiveness. This was a private pain she carried with her all of her life. When she finally began to feel grief over the loss she was confused about it. She didn’t know where it came from or exactly how to deal with it. She states she began to self medicate her pain with food since the pain she felt originated out of her stomach area, food seemed to soothe her upset stomach. She is now 50 yrs. old and has lived a life of over eating and being over weight for 30 yrs. due to what she links as her self medicating over her abortion. Although she married and has three more children, she never stopped grieving her choice to abort. It was only in the last five yrs when her oldest son was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident that my friend, Susan reached out for help and was finally able to share the grief she had over her abortion. She attended a Catholic retreat for loss and grief and in that small intimate circle of women, the door was opened through the counselor to share all kinds of Grief and Loss including any grief regarding abortion. She states that weekend helped her to bring closure to her grief with her abortion, which was long overdue. Being able to talk about in a safe environment without judgment and total acceptance was a huge part of the healing for her. She states she was able to visualize God’s forgiveness for having chosen abortion so long ago. And that in her visualizing exercise, God was holding her baby in a beautiful field of flowers allowing her to see that God still loved her and that she would see her baby one day along with the 19 yr. old son who died in that tragic motorcycle accident. She states her pain level from her grief went from a 7 to a 2 in that one weekend. However; she is still unable to discuss her post abortion grief openly due to remnants of pain that still lingers over her choice, which is very different than the grief she can openly discuss over the loss of her 19 yr. old son. Clearly there are distinctions to how women feel one loss being more acceptable to share socially and another to keep disclosed.

Due to the controversies and distinctions of beliefs on this abortion topic of life and death, especially life and death of a child with Pro Choice and Pro Life movements, it has become a topic which women are increasingly more afraid and ashamed to bring up. There appears to be no neutral ground. There are either those who are Pro Choice, who would violate their consciences and platforms by admitting to death of a child by abortion and so minimize or disregard the emotional pain women experience post abortion. Pro Choice movements believe that a women’s right to choose is the only value of importance in their Pro Choice movement. They are unwilling to look at the research documented by professionals regarding post abortion grief and the life long emotional effects that this right to choose makes on the woman who have made this choice or will make this choice. They refuse to discover for themselves that this choice is anything but right. Among the Pro Life movements, women have reported experiencing shame when admitting their choice to abort their pregnancies. In my circle of friends, woman who have now found faith in God as devoted Christians confirm this judgment and shame to be true in their experiences. Those brave women, who have shared their stories and desire to heal have received judgment for their choice to abort earlier and have not been directed towards finding forgiveness and healing for their grief. In addition to Pro Life movement organizations, many have also tried to find help, a listening ear and healing for themselves among faith movements with little available on this particular subject to help them sort through the grief. Due to unavailable help, and the shame of not being able to share their stories of brokenness many women feel it takes a toll on every area of their lives with feelings of self doubt, self loathing, self hatred, intense shame, grief and even chronic depression and anger. Many women self medicate these feelings of grief for a lifetime with prescription drugs, illegal drugs, alcohol as well as addictions to food, shopping and any other number of documented addictions. Women with post abortion grief suffer silently. Women have had to learn to stuff their emotions of grief and sadness from their post abortion grief to get on with life as usual. This has created an epidemic of confusion in women regarding their feelings about themselves and life. Many women have reported to me that they felt they were going crazy or losing their minds.  They expressed they should be happy in life. They have careers they love, are happily married, have beautiful children and yet cannot kick this feeling of constant ache inside them. Some women have been misdiagnosed with mental disorders and others have formulated their own conclusions about being bipolar, or dealing with depression all their lives. Others report being angry all the time and not knowing exactly why. Even to their children and spouses. Eventually, when these feelings are left pushed for too long, they surface like a volcano eruption. Bringing with this gushing volcano a lava of emotions that come out devouring and destroying so much of their lives, unfortunately for some women only after self inflicted pain to themselves, their careers and/or their families. I know some of these women personally. I have also discovered in my research they are not isolated cases.

Over all, although not all women will on the surface show emotional concerns, some will appear to move on successfully in the lives, although they have buried their feelings so deep, they do not know why they feel empty inside. The loss is real but their “right” to grieve appears not to be. 

Few women, in my circle of friends have found the support they needed towards real healing in regard to their grief. It is not to say that there are no women who have successfully navigated towards positive resolve in regard to their post abortion grief. The importance of this research is to recognize and make ourselves and others aware of the essential need to offer care, compassion, and support to those who are suffering with post abortion grief and loss. We must validate the grief women experience post abortion and support the process of healing necessary in their lives without judgment.

As a devoted Christian woman myself, I have found few resources in my own research for women to walk safely through this process towards personal healing in regard to their grief with post abortion. Upon listening to these women and reading their emails, some anonymously connected to me through other women due to my desire to research this topic, my heart has been heavy with the burden of their grief, loss and silence. I have been inspired and moved by the strength and courage of many women who have had the faith to work through this grief alone. Some women have never shared their stories with anyone but a few close friends. And a few have used much discretion and caution in sharing their stories with me.  All share a common thread. This thread is sewn in the fabric of these women’s lives that more needs to be done for women to find healing for their post abortion grief. 

I believe, the Faith circles have much to bring to the table towards helping women if we make a concerted effort to discuss the subject openly, without judgment and with great compassion. Having been on the inside of Church administration and leadership, I have found this topic is most often avoided. The usual case for avoidance is so that none are offended. I would make a case that spotlighting it openly and making resources available for women would be the first step towards not offending. 

Having served as a Youth Pastor for close to 15 years, I heard the sad and brokenhearted after stories of many young ladies; high school and college age, who had made a choice to end their pregnancies. Never did I hear their pride or joy in having done so. On the contrary, they felt they had no choice. Yet, we have two movements: one spells out choice and the other life. I am of the personal belief that in my Churches if we had created an atmosphere for young women in our Church to share about their unplanned pregnancy, highlighting the Church as the place of “SANCTUARY” as of old, where they could come, stay and find all resources and emotional support they needed, many would of chosen to not abort. I strongly believe they would of decided to keep their child or to give it up for adoption. In either case, women would feel empowered to truly CHOOSE for LIFE.

I am confident of this, that when women feel safe enough to share their post abortion stories having worked through their grief safely, they will be the greatest grief healers of other women facing the same loss. These same women will be the most convincing voices and advocates for life for women and the unborn. 

The Tropical Plant

written 4/23/11 in a journal entry (revised today)

By Aida Cooper

I am just ALONE... all the time.
And that is so painful for me. Allowing me to receive love is one of my greatest challenges!

I have set up a brick wall; a barricade to protect my heart.
Love has not been safe for me.

The difference for me now from the past is I'm surrendering --to my desire to be loved, my need to be nurtured, embraced, vulnerable with all words said or wordless.

In my pursuit of this honesty, I have end up more afraid then when I started.

I lived so long like a tropical plant placed in the cold. I was never given any sunshine to grow, or warmth. And on the outside I started to freeze, the bitter cold made me lose my luster and my beautiful green foliage began to turn brown and frail to the breaking point.

I was not created to bloom in these conditions. After withstanding so many storms, there was really nothing left to look upon on the outside, at the base of me a remnant of the dried up stem, and in any man's sight, I was a tragedy. At the sight of me anyone would think, this amazing tropical plant was left out in the cold. It should have been taken care of in the warmth of a home. Put under a beautiful light so that others may also enjoy it when they walked into the room.

BUT, the hope of glory and of God's mercy is this:

“this tropical plant is not dead. It’s not fruitful, but not dead either.”

God’s heart would express under the soil of nourishment lies its Roots...and those roots are still alive and strong.

For they've been protected by the richness of God's soil. She needs only another chance. She needs someone to spend some time to care and tend to her. She would thrive if someone good and kind would bring her in from the cold, to nourish her, to water her and to shed some light upon her. She only needs someone loving and accepting to talk to her and encourage her beauty.

And in time, at the base where there was once only a dry stem; upon closer look, as close as one can get, when really looking and trying to see...a tiny green leaf will begin to grow again. This small token is the hope of its glory...of the unbelievable beauty that will come in patience and tender time….and with the healing medication of unconditional love.

That tropical plant aka: "she" is me right now. At this very moment in my life, I too, am still under the soil. I am awaiting some warmth and light from the coldness that has devastated my beauty. And God’s love is creating a new bud of life that is about ready to burst from under that thin layer of soil….I am closer to the top. My roots were very deeply entrenched in the dark soil, in my winter days. As Spring approaches, HIS LOVE has lifted me up and I feel as though I will soon break forth into something extraordinary because of the care HE has given me, when others accounted me as dead in my sins and grief.

My Mama taught me about such things. She's resurrected many a plant I would have thrown out. Those words of compassion towards the plant are mostly hers. She has no idea, what I've learned from her in the simplest things of mundane life. She has no idea how God has used her. She has no idea that her words were HIS in my life.

This descriptive analogy is also the silent cry of a blistered heart in a multitude of God's little women...I was left in the cold by my husband...and before that I was abandoned by my father who was unable to be a father. They both had their own demons. As I have mine.

My outer body was left unprotected...and it appears through all these years so was my heart.

For abandonment or the fear of it, is the cruelest demise against God's children. For HE said it is NOT good for man (or woman) to be alone.

Yet what is so interesting about God's view in making Adam some companionship is: in the garden, Adam was supposedly in the best position or place he could be. HE was alone w/God. What more could there be? What better companionship could Adam have had?

Isn't that what we tell others in the faith when they are downtrodden or lonely...

"You don't need anyone else, you've got God!"

And YET, God said differently! And God sees differently than we do. He said in scriptures,

“It is NOT good for man to be alone.” Even when man has ME, GOD! (Paraphrased)

He knew we would need another of our own kind, another who has walked a similar road, another who experiences deep pains and regrets. When another cannot be found, we have the hope that HE is in the garden with us, looking for us, calling out our names. God is always eager to see our faces even after we have sinned. And when tender time has passed it will be another name with ours He'll be crying out for...eager to see both HIS beautiful children’s faces in the light of HIS Son. Ready to forgive and put us back on the road to beautiful.

So even in our aloneness, HE is there as HE was with Adam. HE's not ok with our aloneness. For HE knows healing, love and power comes by others. Through others smiles, hands and embraces God expresses HIMSELF tangibly.

Abandonment steals us away from that comfort and seizes us with paralyzing fear. Some of us so wounded we do not know how to battle for our peace. It is during these seasons, more than any others when we really need another to pick us up from the rubble and sit us upon a solid place, like a loving father does to his child after a fall.  It is not the time to isolate. For then, we do to ourselves what has been done to us by others. We abandon ourselves and we lose sight of God with us, Emmanuel.

I have many fears; I have been abandoned many times. Either physically, or emotionally....and sometimes I even feel spiritually abandoned by God. I call out to him, and I feel alone his distance and silence. Yet, HE is with me always even until the very end of my life as HE has promised us all. The silence of God is not his absence; it’s HIS testing of our faith. It’s the time for me to discover those other senses HE has given me. My hearing may not be working at times, but my sight is good. Perhaps my body has crippled me but my mind is strong, or perhaps its only what HE has commanded, we walk by faith not by sight, hearing, speaking or walking. I came to recognize that I had to trust God even when I could not hear HIS voice, knowing that as a deaf child, HE would never leave me or forsake me. And then as in the wind, I heard a voice behind me pleased by my trust,

“Walk on; I am leading you by the hand.”  

So what's left of the tropical plant, with new growth under microscopic look...a terror of her past with all its coldness...and its thirst for love? She like me, are in the fight of our lives---- to not be left alone. Instead, let her and me and we, fight only with our faith and trust in GOD. Contending as we grow on that HE tends to our every need, even diligently working for us in silence, healing our roots of faith, so that in due time we blossom more beautiful and fruitful than we ever did in our past.

(Can you imagine a heart surgeon having a conversation with you while he operates? I think not. Neither does God speak when HE is intently working to keep you alive. Trust HIS silence, it’s in those moments you are completely HIS to rescue and make come alive.)

YOU

Photo taken by Alyssa Lujan

                                                                    YOU                                                                                

It’s in the way you reach out to me

It’s in the way I feel the sun behind the clouds

On the darkest days

It’s the way you speak in to me

It’s the way I enjoy the rain coming down

On the coldest days

It’s the way you reach out to others

It’s the way you speak into their souls

It’s the way you make me dream

Believing YOU

foolishly, passionately, courageously, lovingly, resourcefully,

and every other way a dreamer can be seen trusting YOU

thought of as insane

even stupidly and blindly, recklessly risking

BUT oh~ with wisdom, inspiration, touching others to believe

in their dreams given by YOU to them too.

It’s the way you found me

In the cave of the death of me

It’s the way that you come to me daily

in pursuit of your queen

It’s in the way you bring relief

To a dry and thirsty soul

It’s in the smile I see when I know you are pleased with me

It’s in the way I see you fight for me

It’s in the battle you died in willingly to protect

what has always been your victory…winning me back

to be YOU and ME for eternity

It’s in the way I hear you say my name as if painting a ray of hope

It’s the sun shining down upon my face, and your touch is felt as you caress my face

It’s in so many ways I have never known

It’s in the ways I have still yet to discover

Its in YOUR words, the laughs, the fears, the hopes,

the dreams, the ugly, the good, the bad, the beauty,

its in the enemies fiery darts and lures, and the dark broken places,

the errors of my youthfulness, but shame erased

the hauntings, the apologies, the silence,

the spirit, the music, the worship, the stories,

the creativity in colors, the freedom dancing,

the intoxication of love that will come my way one day,

the purposeful poetry, the mundane, the lonely and angry feelings,

the melancholy days, and the concert of praise,

the comforting memories of my childhood and my messy attempt at adulthood,

the creation of all you’ve shared in my world,

and of my Majestic God who leads me to HIM again and again

as from the start of my rebirth

when love pierced my heart in secret places

inside my closet of solitude and sorrows

with its disenfranchised losses, that I was unable to share

with except to YOU in prayer

YOU captivate me even more today

whispering in the wind and storms

of grace and love that will not let me go

giving me plan A again and again, not B

and endless life chances.

~Aida Cooper

5/1/12